An Average Akatsuki Day
by Lordoftheghostking28
Summary: New recruits, beaches and randomness. Rated a strong T for language and Orochimaru. Will the Akatsuki sucessfully capture the One-Tail? Probably not.


**A Normal Akatsuki Day.**

**Rated a really strong T for language, randomness and Orochimaru. No one is in character. Yey.**

**XxXxXxXx**

It was a normal day in the Akatsuki hideout. Deidara was exploding things, Konan was making paper swans, and Tobi was colouring.

"Tobi is the best artist!" Tobi said happily, holding up his beautiful picture of all the Akatsuki members.

"ART IS AN EXPLOSION!" Deidara shouted, blowing up Tobi and Tobi's picture.

"DEIDAAAAARAAAA SEMPAIII!" Tobi cried.

Deidara fabulously hair-flipped and walked away.

"Hey, you! You're paying for any damages!" Kakuzu growled.

"Talk to the hand." Deidara said.

"Go f*ck yourself," his hand said.

"ಠ ಠ," Kakuzu said in reply. "Well, since you have the mouths on your hands... I think that phrase should be directed at you."

"ಠ_ಠ," said Deidara.

"Children...children... Calm yourselves." Konan sighed.

"Who wants to play with my snake?" Orochimaru asked.

Everyone sort of stared at him.

"Dude, you don't know how wrong that sounded." Hidan said.

"It wasn't any wronger than, 'Saskue! Give me your body!'" Deidara laughed.

"Tobi likes snakes! Tobi wants to play!" Tobi said happily.

Orochimaru handed him a snake.

"Yey! Tobi has his very own snake! :D" Tobi said happily as the thing wrapped around his arm.

"Well, I'm off to sacrifice people." Hidan said. "Be back in an hour or whenever the Hidden Leaf Village is destroyed."

Zetsu walked in. "Hi, everyone. GO DIE IN A HOLE!"

"That's nice." Sasori, who had been quiet the entire time, said.

"I'm going to get some water. I WILL MATE WITH THE TREES!"

"That's nice, Zetsu."

"Does Zetsu like Tobi's snake?" Tobi asked.

Kakuzu facepalmed.

"It is a nice snake. I WILL DEVOUR ITS SOUL!"

"Noooo!" Tobi cried.

"Guys, there are two new recruits at the door." Itachi said from the doorway.

"Who are they?" Konan asked.

"Zabuza and Haku."

"Allright, I'll get Pain/Pein so he can interview them." Konan walked out.

Itachi brought the two new people in. One was a girl and one was a really ripped, skinny guy with a sword and bandages across his face. "This is the Akatsuki base, as I'm sure you know. How did you find out about this place? It's secret..."

"Well, there was a sign outside the door labeled, 'Secret Akatsuki Hideout!'" The tall guy with a giant sword said.

"DAMMIT, TOBI!" Kakuzu roared.

Tobi slinked away.

"Anyway..." Itachi said calmly, even though he was boiling his blood with rage. "Why should we consider recruiting you? Because if we decide you shouldn't be accepted, we will kill you. You know our secrets."

"Well..." Haku said.

"Because this." Zabuza drew his 500 meter long sword and aimed it at Itachi's face.

"I see," Itachi said.

"Yeah, and we could use some more women here..." Deidara said.

Hato's face reddened. "I'm a boy!"

"...Oh..." Even Itachi looked surprised at that.

"Er...anyway, you're recruited." Itachi said. "But Pain has to make the final decision."

A guy with a lot of piercings walked in. He looked at the two recruits and narrowed his eyes. "Do you want this world to know pain?"

"Er...yeah." Zabuza said, putting his sword away in the sheath that looked as though it wouldn't fit it.

"Good. You're in."

"TOBI LOVES NEW MEMBERS!" Tobi cheered.

"Oh, look at the time, guys! IT'S TIME TO KILL!" Zetsu said merrily.

"THIS WORLD SHALL KNOW PAIN!" Pain announced, running for the door. The Akatsuki followed.

**XxXxXxXx**

"Look! Look!" Tobi pointed excitedly.

"I see him..." Kakuzu said.

"Can I eat him?" Zetsu asked.

"No, idiot." Konan growled.

"He shall know pain..." Pain said.

The Akatsuki members (and the new guys) were watching Gaara. The Kazekage was sitting on the beach, building some pretty awesome sand castles.

"Oooh, a shark!" Deidara pointed.

"That's Kisame." Sasori said.

"Where is Hidan? I miss him..." Tobi said.

"He's out terrorizing the Hidden Leaf." Kakuzu said.

**XxXxXxXx**

**MEANWHILE, IN THE HIDDEN LEAF VILLAGE...**

**XxXxXxXx**

"LOL Y U DIE?!" Hidan giggled, stabbing himself. A random guy died. "This is fuuun..."

"SHADOW PULL JUTSU!"

"...Shit..."

**XxXxXxXx**

**BACK WITH THE AKATSUKI...**

**XxXxXxXx**

"He should be fine." Kakuzu said. "Let's focus on this."

"He shall know pain..." Pain said evilly.

"I want his body."

"Orochimaru, go away." Itachi facepalmed again.

"Are we going to capture the One-Tail, or not?" Sasori hissed.

"What's the plan?" Zabuza asked.

"I don't know. Tobi, what's the plan?" Deidara asked.

"Ooh! Tobi gets to make the decisions!" Tobi giggled.

"You're our leader, dipshit."

"Tobi says kill!" He said gleefully.

"Great! I like that plan." Haku said.

"Goooo!"

Everyone jumped onto the beach and ran toward Gaara's sand fortress thing. Kisame ran out of the water to join them too. They surrounded the castle, Gaara not giving them any attention yet. He was busy putting sand-cannons on top of the fortress.

"Surrender, One Tail!" Itachi commanded.

Gaara walked out of the castle. "Where did you come from?"

"Do you surrender?" Itachi said again.

"Build a fort and we'll battle from there." Gaara said.

"Fine. We'll use force to capture you." Kakuzu turned. "Deidara! Show him we mean business... Deidara...?"

Said Akatsuki member was staring at Gaara's castle, tears streaming from his eyes. "This...is art...!"

"Can I kill him?" Konan asked.

"Yes." Pain said.

"Shikigami dance!" Konan grew paper wings that would make even Sepharoth jealous and hurled paper swans at Gaara.

The Kazekage shrugged and walked back into his castle, the swans hitting it and doing no damage. "I told you...make a fort and we'll battle from there."

"Tobi says make a sand castle!" Tobi announced.

"Now, hold on...that's a little childish, don't you think?" Zabuza sighed.

"I think so. Sasori's joints already locked up from the sand. Let's just kill him." Itachi said.

"Plus Kisame is dying." Orochimaru added.

The Akatsuki watched as their comrades jerked around spastically and flopped like a fish out of water, respectively.

"Ok. Let's kill the One-Tail!" Tobi said.

Despite their water jutsu, almighty pushes, searing migraines, fireballs, snakes, puppets, paper, clay models, plant stuff, and minefields, Gaara's castle remained unscathed. It was some sort of miracle.

"This is bull," Deidara said. "Stop destroying the beautiful art of the castle!"

"I told you...!" Gaara said tauntingly from the castle. "Make your own...!"

"Fine! Tobi, make a castle." Itachi hissed.

"Tobi is good at that! Tobi practiced in the sand box!" Tobi said excitedly. He sat in the sand and made a misshaped mound of sand, sticking a seashell into the top. "Done!"

"Good job," Kakuzu said, holding Deidara back.

"NOOO! YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG! IT'S NOT ART! IT'S LOPSIDED!"

Sasori jammed a mouthful of sand into the artist's mouth(s) and things got a lot quieter.

"All right, Gaara! We're on your turf now!" Pain shouted. "Now fight!"

"Very well," came the reply. A sand ball sailed over the high walls and hit Kisame, who choked on it through his gills or whatever. He flopped down and flipped back to the ocean.

"Let the battle begin!" Gaara announced as fifty more sand balls followed the first.

"GAAAAAAA!"

Tobi ran around screaming while Pain pushed the sand back at Gaara's castle. When the sand struck, the walls began to crumble.

"Attack the walls!" Kakuzu shouted, lobbing sand at it. The wall collapsed a bit more.

"Yes! We must! NO! WE MUST EAT IT!" Zetsu sort of half threw, half ate some sand.

Everyone else did their best, which was slowly but surely eating away at the walls. Gaara was throwing out some pretty nasty attacks, which sort of made them work slowly.

"The wall's almost collapsed!" Itachi reported after a few hours.

"Finally!" Kakuzu growled.

"YOU SHALL KNOW PAIN!" Pain shouted, almighty pushing sand back at the castle. The wall crumbled completely, revealing Gaara lying on a bed made of sand, sleeping.

"KILL THE ONE-TAIL!" Zatsu shouted.

"We did it!" Haku said.

Gaara woke up and clapped slowly as the Akatsuki surrounded him. "Good job! It was sure fun."

"Fun?!" Konan shrieked. Her hair was messy and filled with sand. So was everyone else's.

"Yeah. Fun. Did I stutter?" Gaara said.

"No..." Orochimaru said.

"I hope to play again sometime." Gaara vanished to be replaced with a log with eyeshadow.

"HE USED THE SUBSTITUTION JUTSU?!" The Akatsuki screamed in rage. If they had listened closely, they would have heard Gaara laughing.

**XxXxXxXx**

**LATER, BACK AT THE BASE...**

**XxXxXxXx**

"Tobi did not like this day." Tobi said sadly.

"Neither did anyone else." Sasori smacked sand out of his joints.

"Gaara makes beautiful sand art..." Deidara said. He looked as though he was in shock.

"I sense rivalry." Konan said.

"Or love," Orochimaru snickered.

Everyone ignored the pervy snake man and went about their business.

"Ok, as part of the Akatsuki, you have to help around the base when we're not killing any of the tailed beasts or anything." Itachi said to Zabuza and Haku.

"Oh, all right." Haku said.

"You can start with these simple things," Kisame thought for a second and said, "Haku, wear clothes that make you look more like a guy. Zabuza, make sure Pain doesn't pour Legos down the stairs. Haku, I think Deidara or Kakuzu can help with the clothing issue. Zabuza, you're on your own. Konan is sick of stepping on the Lego blocks."

From the stairs in the other room was a mighty crash and a bellowing shout of, "THIS WORLD SHALL KNOW PAIN!"

"Oooh..." Haku said as an epiphany overtook his young mind. "THAT'S why he's called Pain...!"

"Oh, and make sure Zetsu doesn't pollinate anything," Itachi added.

"Right..." Zabuza said.

Everyone went on with their evening. It was fairly decent. Kakuzu tried to make sushi out of Kisame, but that was a minor mistake. No one was killed. Yey.

Well, except Hidan. He never came back from the Hidden Leaf. Poor guy. Luckily, the author hates him. He is a douchebag.

The sleeping arrangements could have been slightly better. Everyone was two to a room, except Konan, because being the only female, she got her own room so she can spray perume everywhere without killing anyone.

Zabuza was roomed with Haku, which was ok with them.

"Please...! Someone switch rooms with me...!" Kakuzu begged. "I share with Orochimaru! Just one night...!"

"Sorry, man...you're on your own." Zabuza said.

"Noooo!"

"Wanna play with my snake, Kakuzu?" Orochimaru asked creepily.

Zabuza covered Haku's eyes and pushed him away from the creeper. "That guy needs to go..."

**XxXxXxXx**

**End.**

**So I hope you enjoyed this! I wrote the whole thing on the way to an amusement park (Cedar Point), and I was fairly bored the entire way. So yey, oneshot!**

**I am really starting to love the Naruto anime...that's not a good thing...that means lots of fanfiction...and crossovers...**

**AND MY POOR XBOX BROKE SO I CAN'T PLAY NINJA STORM! NOOOOO!**

**Remember to Review!**

**Hasta la Vista, Readers!**

**Lordoftheghostking28**


End file.
